Santa Speaks English
Do you know this: I remember my first Christmas like it was yesterday. Our house did not have a chimney. There was just a hole above the fire in the middle of the room [in fact, lar - floor]. Santa fell through the thatch and the peak of the rafters caught his beard and, unless he had a parachute, he would burn his buttocks in the ashes.
'Look at that now,' shouted my grandmother. 'Isn't Santa good to you?'
Who did she think she was kidding? I recognized the big feet of Iain Thormoid well enough. Did they think that they could get me to believe that Santa had size l2s. And even if he did have [literally: were to have], would he come from Lapland with a hole in his boot? Not only that but he had a jumper around his ribs that I saw on the knitting needles of my grandmother only the week before.
Dear God! they were thinking that we were blunt. Anyway the poor bloke fell through the roof (he was lucky we had not got the stove yet), he started to swing on the pot-hanger singing 'Jingle Bells'. And he thought that I would believe that he was Santa. It must have been that he was delirious; he did not stop singing even though the legs of his trousers went on fire.
Anyway, a neighbour cut him down and laid him out on the sofa. But he still remembered I was there: 'There's your apple, my boy. Go on now, get me a drink of water.'
Although I was only four, I recognized that he had spoken in English, and it surprised me, at that time: the odd things that will that pop into the heads of grown-ups. It was not just that that he imagined that Santa would not speak Gaelic but of all languages he might speak, it would be English.
I was a little upset that my knowledge of English was not sufficient to answer in that language, but in any case I said. 'Aye, aye, sir.' Something I had heard from the old man. I did not let on that I had recognized him, but I thought that I ought to get him a drink of water in any case.
Satan was at that time living in our glen. Well that was what my grandmother said, and although I did not believe in Santa, I had not a shadow of doubt about the other lad. And it was when the sun went down that this one woke up. As a result I was scared to death of the dark. And I was not alone. I would have to walk home with all the other boys, one after another, although my knees were knocking. (Satan was in every glen.) But not everyone had the same fear as me. Now I have to admit that I was a bit slow not notice at that time that Santa was an anagram of Satan - and more amazing still I have never heard any mention of it from a teacher. I did not listen much to that 'tribe' anyway. And I am not the better for it.
All the time that those thoughts were going through my mind, Santa was stretched out on the sofa crying out, ' Won't you bring me a mouthful of water.' Trying to make me think that he was from Lapland. [Perhaps by using 'uisge' for water whereas a native Lewisman would always use 'burn' for drinking water and 'uisge' only for rainwater*]. Now in the olden days the pails of water were stored in the 'closet' [a sort of enclosed larder in the coolest part of the house **]. The light of the Tilley lamp did not reach to the door of the 'closet'. (A hole from which Satan would not shift I am sure). But there are things that a boy has to do before he is a man. [duine - strictly a grown-up person].
I caught hold of the quart mug and I dived in to the darkness whistling and calling out ' I won't be long.' Although Satan is pretty clever, he would not catch me that night.
Fortunately, at the moment when I was close to the pails as I am to you just now, an owl let out a screech from the other end of the house and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest [cochall - the container or sheath - related to the English 'the cockles of your heart'?] My arm knocked against the nearest pail, I filled the mug and cleared out [thug (or thog) mo chasan orm - literally I took, or lifted, my feet on myself].
There was not much left in the quart mug when I reached Santa, but Satan had the upper hand. 'Dear God,' he said, ' aren't you the lad, finding thickened milk [natural yoghurt - made by leaving bowls of milk in the closet] in three minutes.'
'Aye, aye, sir,' I said, trying to make out again that I did not know who it was. But I was sure, if there was anything un-natural around, that it would understand English'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Bha sin a' chiad mearachd a rinn mise na Gaidhlig a riamh. 'Oh,' thuirt mise air stairsnich taigh Leodhsaich - 'tha Gaidhlig agam - ahem: "tha mi ag iarraidh uisge".' Bha sinn nar campaich ag an am ud agus 's docha gur mo faclan a chuir iongadh air fear an taigh - seo neach-turais a bha ag iarraidh droch aimsir!
**http://5dalmore.blogspot.com/2008/03/milky-way-to-heavenly-delights.html
